Now I don't have an eating disorder so I don't want anyone to assume I'm being something I'm not.
A couple of years ago, when I was in year 11 at school I believe, I was told I was really underweight for my age. This didn't come as a huge shock to me as I found it really difficult to eat. At the time I didn't really think anything of it, it was normal for me, my friends and family would joke about the fact I ate like a sparrow and it was like that most of my life. I think it took me till the age of 14 to get out of kids meals at mcdonalds because until that time I couldn't manage anything bigger and would be stuffed just from a little kids meal.
Like I say, it was normal for me, I grew up like it. But when I hit year 11 at school and was told by doctors that I was really underweight it started to make me realise how much I struggled to eat. I would skip meals almost everyday, food became disgusting to me. My Mum tried and tried to get me to eat, she would list off loads of foods and I would say no to them all because in my mind they made me feel ill and they just sounded so disgusting. Obviously I ate, I didn't starve myself but when I did eat it was only a really small meal or just a sandwhich for the day. It really wasnt a lot. And the scary thing was, I liked that. I liked that I didn't eat. I was comfortable with my size. I didn't want to put on weight.
I ended up having to visit a doctor every week to report back to her what I had eaten and she would talk to me about the fact I am not at a healthy weight and that I needed to put on weight. She spoke about meals and asked what food I liked. Only thing I could say was spaghetti bolognese. She tried and tried to think of meal choices for me that would help me gain weight but I refused them all, they sounded horrible to me and just the thought of them honestly made me feel so sick.
Every week she would weight me and showed me the chart where a red dot was in a huge red section that said I was underweight. Every week she would show me about the huge red section where the "normal" weight was and told me that's what I was aiming for.
I hated my trips to the hospital (I actually fell asleep while she was talking to me once, I was so tired and REALLY not in the mood for another lecture).
I remember the reason I stopped the hospital appointments. There were two reasons and one sounds really bad and although thinking back on it I find it funny, I also realise how bad it was. The main reason we stopped them is because I finished school and we were moving to London. So obviously I was pleased they were stopping but also worried they would say that I would need to see someone when I move to London (they didn't). The second reason, the reason that is bad, is because I got so fed up of this lady telling me to put on weight when I didn't want to that I two two money backs filled with changed to hide in my pocket. It's safe to say it worked, I was out of the red zone and they were so happy.
I know that was a bad thing to do now, I guess I am lucky because I did actually eventually end up putting on weight and getting out of the red zone for real once I moved to London, maybe because I was a lot happier in London, it was almost like I left all my troubles back where I used to live and started a fresh life in London. Either way I did put on weight and I didn't feel bad about putting it on either.
That was almost three years ago. Today I am back to being underweight.
I am 19 years old and I weigh less than an average 13 year old girl.
It doesn’t matter how slowly you go, so long as you dont stop